Personal Lessons Archives | Amiekay's Adventure

March 17, 2018March 21, 2018

Why I’m Coming Back

Before you read this post, I want you to know two things: I am coming back to the States, but I am not a failure.

I feel the need to preface this post that way because, well, I know a lot of people are going to feel that I am. A lot of people are going to tell me I quit just as I was getting started.

But they would be wrong. I am just getting started, and coming back to the States is what needs to happen for me right now.

Let me explain: I’ve accepted a really amazing job offer for a really amazing company in Florida. It’s a job I’ve wanted for a long time with a company’s whose mission I really believe in. It’s also in digital marketing and social media, something I’ve grown to love over the past few years.

But in the end, deciding to leave New Zealand and Wellington, in particular, turned out to be really hard.

You see, a lot of really amazing things have happened here in the past few months. I’ve met a lot of “my” people, found a new spiritual community, and even got to act on a set for the first time in years. I made lots of plans for the next month and even, amazingly, was contemplating actually staying in Wellington. After all, I have always been a creative and a performer at heart, so what better place to try that out than in the place some of my favorite movies have been made?

I almost was ready to stay. Almost. And then I got an offer too good to refuse.

In addition to being offered what I would call in many ways a “dream job,” I also know that coming back to the states is right for me both personally and financially. I have a lot of debt and being in New Zealand has only added to that. Its been a real struggle and was the impetus for much of my anxiety this past year.

Anyone who tells you that you can achieve longterm travel with substantial debt is a liar.

Or at least don’t personally understand how much of a burden that debt can be, especially without anyone in your life who can bail you out if necessary.

While I can only speak from my personal experience, I can say this pretty definitively, at least when it comes to New Zealand. (I hear Southeast Asia is much more affordable.) Then again, maybe I was just unlucky: I recently found out I was pretty drastically underpaid at my job, to the tune of at least $6,000 NZD annually. Still, the fact of the matter is, New Zealand is expensive when it comes to necessities. That, combined with my U.S. bills, means that if I do anything other than work and the gym each week, I am often in the negative days before I get paid again. (And, my meals during the week are rice, beans, and occasionally canned tuna. I am morally against canned tuna, but sometimes you can’t do anything about what you can afford.)

In addition to perhaps being unlucky, I also wonder if I have more debt than most. My debt totals to about $25,000, which I know is less than most Americans are currently leaving university with. And while some people are happy with a bad credit score and not paying bills in exchange for traveling, I’m just not that kind of person. I take pride in being responsible and meeting my obligations, if not exceeding them.

I was advised not to get a second job because of tax laws but I realized too late this advice was probably wrong, considering the source. Either way, had I done that, I definitely couldn’t have traveled or pursued any creative endeavors so it was probably for the best.

Some other reasons I was financially strapped: I like eating healthy, make-up, and going to the gym. (The last one, surprisingly, is the least expensive of the three here in New Zealand. Even drugstore foundation is at least $30.)

Something had to give.

Also, guys. Have you read my blog? I wrote multiple times this year about how I wanted to live somewhere warm, and have a creative career and I am literally getting both of them. I am excited, and I hope you’re excited for me too.

So that leads us to the question: what’s next for Amiekay’s Adventure?

The answer: it’s not over yet, baby! My new location will allow me to see amazing parts of Florida and the Caribbean I missed the last time around. I am still a traveler and explorer, it will just be in a different climate. And who knows where I will be in a few years? Maybe I’ll settle down and get a dog, or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be in Malaysia or Thailand in two years. Maybe I’ll visit Japan for the Olympics. Maybe I’ll move back to New Zealand. Maybe I will fall madly in love with someone and be able to share these adventures with someone else. Maybe I’ll write a television pilot with my friend in Chicago about being perpetually single. I have no idea, and that’s exciting. For the first time in a long time, the possibilities for my future seem both enchanting and endless.

My only personal worry about the move is whether or not I’ll be able to continue doing acting work on film sets. (Okay, I only got to do it twice this year.) But hey, I do know a good community theatre at least.

So, please, I beg of you, don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t think of me as a failure. I certainly don’t. I got to spend almost a year in New Zealand, and I also get my dream job in a place I love and have considered home since I started drawing palm trees on chalkboards in high school.

Amiekay in Makara Beach — Photo of me at Makara Beach in October

February 26, 2018February 24, 2018

Hiking to Kitekite Falls

Sometimes we do things we aren’t proud of while traveling, and my walk through the bush to see the Kitekite falls is one of them.

Sure, the views were beautiful, but I feel like I dishonored the sacred land by making the hike.

Here’s some background: the Kitekite falls are located near Piha Beach, which is about an hour’s drive west of Auckland. They’re stunning and beautiful, and open to the public. You see, normally there is no reason for anyone to feel guilty about going to see them. But right now, I am going to advise you to not do what I did and avoid this area for the time being.

You see, the area around the falls is home to a Kauri forest and Kauri trees are considered kings of the New Zealand forest by the Maori people. They are giant and beautiful, and unfortunately, a lot of them were chopped down by European settlers when they first arrived in New Zealand. However, in recent years, the New Zealand government has taken measures to protect the remaining trees and the forest is slowly coming back to life.

Amiekay inside the stump of a dead Kauri tree in Piha — Me inside of the stump of a dead Kauri tree

Unfortunately, over the last few years, many of the trees have fallen ill due to a parasite which is referred to as Kauri dieback. There’s no cure for the dieback, and in order to keep the parasite from spreading, several people in the area have petitioned the government to close the forests to visitors until it heals. And to their credit, a lot of the trails have been shut down, but many are still open. And while there are places to wash your shoes before continuing into the forest, the move doesn’t fully protect the trees and an area considered sacred by the Maori.

A stream spotted on the Kitekite track in Piha — The Kitekite track is full of beautiful greenery, and feels extremely tropical

I knew none of this when I started my hike to the falls, but one-third of the way into the hike, a volunteer at the entrance to the shoe cleaning station did explain why the station was there, and why we should consider turning around. I will say I felt as if I should turn back, but didn’t listen to my gut and went anyway.

The hike itself is beautiful. The walk through the forest is fairly easy and breathtaking, and it only takes about an hour and a half round trip to get to the falls and back, although you can continue onwards if you choose to.

A bridge along the Kitekite track in Piha — A bridge hikers take on their walk to the Kitekite Falls

The falls themselves are worth every single second of the walk. They stand about 130 feet high and can appear even larger if you continue to the lookout, as there are a smaller waterfall and pool directly above it. They are beautiful and stunning and I am happy I saw them in person.

Still, its been a few weeks since I went on the hike, and I have yet to get over the fact that I did something that could harm the forest, and furthermore, disturb a sacred area because I know better. I strive to be an eco-conscious traveler at all times, and also do my best to adhere to the customs and beliefs of the people the country I am visiting. And while in this particular instance I was with other people I still could’ve spoken up and not continued.

Amiekay in front of Kitekite falls — This was right after my right foot fell into the water

Unfortunately, this is in the past and is something I can’t change. But I can tell you the story and try and prevent someone from making the same mistake. While there are some news stories about the paths that have been closed to the public, there is not a lot out there is written about the Kauri trees and the forest around Kitekite Falls that I can find. I think that’s a shame because it is a popular attraction, and people should really know what’s going on before they get there. After all, if you drive all the way out there to see the falls, chances are you aren’t going to want to turn around halfway through. But now that you know at the very least you can go there and make a conscious decision either not to go, or to take some precautions, such as cleaning your shoes of any soil before arriving onsite.

To learn more about the Kauri trees and the disease killing them and how you can help save the trees, please check out this website: https://www.kauridieback.co.nz

Kitekite falls through plants — Kitekite falls seen through the plants along the track

January 1, 2018February 21, 2018

Hello 2018: What’s Next For Me

2017 will always be the year I took the leap. 2018 will be the year I take back my life.

What does that mean? While I don’t have too many specifics, I will do my best to try and explain.

One specific I can give you is I will be leaving New Zealand as soon as possible. Whether that is when my visa is up in May or sooner is yet to be seen, but I do not plan to stay and settle here. There’s a lot of reasons behind this but they are not limited to cost of living, weather, and lifestyle. Kiwis are much more outdoorsy than I am, and while I do enjoy hiking, I would much rather spend my day lounging on a warm beach that I didn’t have to walk an hour through bush to get to.

This isn’t to say New Zealand is a bad place; this is a beautiful country with a lot of unique experiences to offer. I even had an opportunity to stay long term, but after a lot of thought, I have come to the conclusion its not for me. While I wouldn’t mind staying to the end of my visa as planned, the cost of living here is really catching up with me and making it hard to pay my bills. I am also missing the creativity and purpose of my former career, and staying would mean not only would I be giving up travel, but I would also be giving up my chances to do something creative full-time.

This leads to the next question: where am I headed next? The short answer is: I don’t know. The long answer? I want to find a “home base,” and a creative job in a place I can see my self-living long-term. I have focused a lot of my search for jobs in Florida, as that is where home is for me. However, I am also applying for positions in Australia, Singapore, and other places in the states and around the world. The outcomes of these applications will determine where I head next.

How does this have anything to do with me “taking back my life?” Well, I want a career again. I want to make and create meaningful content, whether that be at a tech company, a news organization or something else. I miss having a job that I am proud to go to every day. (Or at least a remote one that would let me travel.)

2017 will always be the year I decided to live abroad for the first time. Its been full of highs and lows and lots of life experiences I would’ve otherwise missed out on had I not done it. I have grown spiritually and emotionally, and I am so thankful for this year. Fortunately or unfortunately, my first stop on this adventure wasn’t meant to be the final stop. It’s scary and frightening to be back to “not knowing” where I will be in a few months again, but it’s also a little exciting.

However, if you still want more New Zealand content, don’t worry! I have quite a few new adventures to write up and share with you, as well as a potential 4 more months here, so you can look forward to that in 2018.

Happy New Year.

November 23, 2017February 21, 2018

Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃

Today is Thanksgiving in the states. While it’s not the first time I’ve “missed” the holiday with my family (working in news will do that to you,) it is my first one being quite literally half a world away, which, surprisingly, is a little difficult for me. In addition to missing my friends and family, I am also missing the “Thanksgiving atmosphere” that tends to fill the States this week. You know what I’m talking about: that festive feeling that the holiday season is upon us.

However, I do want to take a moment to express how thankful I am for all of you reading along and following my experience at the moment. Your input and comments really continue to inspire me to write more, share more, and even just keep going when things get tough. I am amazed at how many of you are interested in my travels and wellbeing; your love and support mean the world to me, and without it, I probably would’ve stopped blogging months ago.

I also want to say how thankful I am for the experience I am having at the moment in New Zealand. I have met so many people here who have supported me through some dark times (and I’m not just talking about the short days!) I also have a wonderful job and a flurry of opportunity ahead thanks to the skills I have learned during my stay here. This experience has also brought me closer to a lot of people back home who I lost contact with and that makes my heart happy.

I do have plans to celebrate the holiday in New Zealand next week, so maybe I’ll write a full post about that at some point, but for now, I just wanted to share a few things I am thankful for with you on this special day.

-Amiekay

September 10, 2017October 7, 2017

All Eyes on Hurricane Irma

UPDATE: As many of you know the Hurricane ended up not being too bad for this part of Florida, although some of my friends did end up without power and a little bit of flooding. I am happy to report they are all safe and I am relieved.

Original Post:

One of my favorite views from one of my favorite cities: West Palm Beach, Florida

It is weird watching things happen to the places and people you love from the other side of the world. Right now, Hurricane Irma is just beginning to be felt in Florida, a place I still think of as home and a place I hope to return to someday. Just about everyone I know there has evacuated to “dryer” places or is holed up in a news station providing 24-hour coverage to viewers. And while I don’t envy the danger they are in, this oddly doesn’t change my longing for home; part of me still wishes I was there. Maybe this is because I left for the “wrong” reasons, or just because I am worried about lots of people whom I love. Who knows, but Florida is weighing heavily on my mind today. There is some good news: the hurricane looks like it won’t hit the area I am most familiar with directly, and as I said previously all of my closest friends are in places I know are safe. But the danger isn’t over, and I will have to ride this one and wait and see what happens just like everyone else. Fingers crossed.

September 5, 2017February 21, 2018

Welcome to New Zealand, A Soundtrack

I don’t know when I started making soundtracks for segments of my life. I think it was probably at some point in university, a time when music was not only easily accessible but also central to many of my friendships.

It started small, with me naming periods of my life. These often coincided with semesters or friendships. For instance, I distinctly remember naming the summer of my sophomore year “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Diner.” At the time, I thought this was a clever play on that oft-forgotten show “2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place,” and was chosen because I spent many nights that summer at various diners with my two best friends at that point in my life who happened to be two guys. I am pretty sure they both thought I was silly, but the name has helped cement the memories of that summer firmly in my mind, and for that I am thankful.

This naming of periods in my life eventually morphed into giving them songs. I think the first of these was “Don’t Stop Believing” (how clever) for my first semester after transferring to Temple University in Philadelphia. I’m sure you can guess the inspiration for this one: booze. (This was also around the time I turned 21.) However, I also I think part of me enjoyed the hopeful message of the song.

This need to name times of my life after songs eventually grew into creating full blown soundtracks for them, particularly for romantic relationships. This is something I sort of forgot I did until recently when I purged all my “boyfriend boxes” as part of my move to New Zealand. While I realize this is kind of a ridiculously sentimental thing, I have to tell you, making them was cathartic. It was a nice way to package up my emotions and stop listening to those songs, knowing I could revisit those feelings later. (Which I did, by the way, after rediscovering them a few months ago. It was… interesting, as they stirred up long-forgotten emotions of regret, love, and joy.)

TL;DR: I went through my "boyfriend boxes." I have problems with commitment. So, I'm trying to do more "looking forward" with my life these days instead of holding onto the past. I've gotten rid of clothes, books… really anything that "weighs me down." So. Tonight I did something I didn't think I would do until I got older: I went through my "boyfriend boxes." These were boxes of everything from receipts to trinkets to stuffed animals I put away at the end of relationships because they were either too painful to look at or because I thought I would want to have them as memories when I got older. There were times I wanted to cry, other times I smiled because a memory I forgot about would come into focus. It was cathartic in many ways. There were some really silly things I kept (hello condom wrapper from the first time I had sex,) and also some really sweet things like a handwritten love note. There were also notes I wrote to exes but never sent professing my love or frustration, but most of what I found in the boxes were memories of two people who for a moment in time loved each other and that was something. All of these relationships were flawed in their own right, but the most common thread among them was my own inability to commit. (Granted the last two were abusive so I had every right to leave them, and this is why I didn't picture ANYTHING from the worst one.) I guess what I'm saying is I am realizing more and more I don't like doing things that are difficult. I like to take the easy way out. This is something I want to change moving forward. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone right? Here's to letting go of the past and starting new adventures.

A post shared by Amiekay's Adventure (@amiekaysadventure) on Feb 12, 2017 at 3:58pm PST

Until now, these sorts of soundtracks and playlists have been purely personal mementos; none of my former boyfriends know I made these albums. (Unless they’re reading this now, and in that case, hi guys.) But as I was walking home tonight, listening to the songs that have become part of my journey here in New Zealand, I thought: what better way to offer you insight into what I’m going through then sharing that music with you? Call me immature, call me an emo kid, call me whatever you want but I really think the music someone is listening to at any moment can open a door to their heart quicker than words can.

So, here it is. My “Welcome to New Zealand” soundtrack. It’s sad, hopeful, and very folky. There are only a few artists on it, but hey, some of them are kiwis.

Until next time.

August 26, 2017February 21, 2018

Ankle-Deep in Something

Right now, I am supposed to be hiking. Specifically, I am supposed to be hiking this trek, which fans of the “Lord of the Rings” movie series will recognize. But instead, I am in a coffee shop. This isn’t because the trip was canceled; the rest of the hiking party is out there right now and the weather is beautiful. No, I’m not hiking because it seems New Zealand continues to want to laugh at me and my plans.

You see, the joy I’ve been getting from working out at the gym resulted in me spraining my ankle. And this wasn’t just any little ankle twist; I tore 2 of the 3 main ligaments in the joint, and that means I won’t be doing any potentially high-impact activity for one to two weeks.

And guys, this really had me down. As I mentioned in my last post, I was finally finding ways to combat my homesickness by getting out and doing things, things I now can’t do. I was so excited for this nerdy and exciting trip and had a blog post planned about it. I was going to join the gym after my two-week trial and lose the extra weight I put on. In other words, I was going to take back my life starting this week. And then I fell the wrong way on my foot in an aerobics class I wasn’t particularly enjoying and all of my plans had been put on hold. (Not to mention I spent $120 NZD on a doctor’s visit and prescriptions even though I’m told it should’ve been covered by ACC.)

I spent most of yesterday in bed down in the dumps. I mean, this is obviously not the spot I wanted to be in at this point of my trip. Not when the weather is finally warm-ish, and not as I was finally getting back to being myself and finally feeling like I am ready to take on New Zealand. I spent much of yesterday in bed moping and on the verge of tears; being injured made me realize just how alone I am on this side of the world. It made me once again, really miss a lot of the luxuries I gave up in the States for this adventure. (Health insurance, a car, and especially my own warm apartment.)

Well, the doctor said I could still walk on my foot, so I decided to take the 40-minute round-trip yesterday evening to the super market to buy ingredients for my weekly meal prep. I did this basically to feel like I hadn’t wasted the entire day, but it felt good to realize I was still mobile (even though I could feel my injury on the walk back,) and it was nice to get out of the house if only briefly. But then, a really great thing happened when I returned to my flat. You see, when I arrived, my neighbor’s cat bolted out of nowhere and ran up to my door, demanding pets and cuddles.

Alby, the neighbor’s cat who likes to cheat on his owners with a lot of people in the area, including me. (This is an old photo, but the best one I have of him.)

Now, before I go further I want to let you know that cats cheating on their owners is a bit of a thing in New Zealand. Unlike in the States, cat owners here are encouraged, if not required, to allow their cats outside on a regular basis. (Seriously, it was a question my friend was asked by the SPCA when she adopted her pet, but more on Elliot the Adventure Cat later.) I say this, not so we can debate the merits of letting cats roam your neighborhood, but because I want to let you know that when I let Alby into my flat this wasn’t unusual or weird culturally. It’s just a normal thing here, and our neighbor is fine with it as long as we don’t feed him.

In any case, Alby’s visit to my doorstep and my flat was exactly what I needed to cheer me up. He stayed just long enough to remind me I was not alone, and that it was all going to be okay. Seriously, a purring cat really is the best medicine. And since then things have been looking up. Sure, I’m not on my hike today, but maybe I can go on one in a few weeks. And, I mean, at least I sprained my ankle before I signed up for the gym because now I’m not paying for a week where I can’t really use it. I also got another gift today from a friend who messaged me this morning about going to a really great restaurant for lunch today as part of the “Wellington On a Plate” event, something I’ve been dying to do all month.

My “Wellington On a Plate” meal at The Arborist: Blackberry and sloe gin-cured salmon and the “Beetlejuice” cocktail

So I apologize for the lack of gorgeous New Zealand scenery photos; I really did intend to bring you a bunch of them this weekend but alas, my foot had different ideas. But, as I said in my last post, I didn’t spend a bunch of money on hiking boots not to use them though, so I’m sure there’s at least a trail or two in my future.

I’m still on an uphill trek at the moment, but at least it is a pretty one. (A previously unpublished photo from my hike at Mt Victoria.)

August 22, 2017February 21, 2018

Where I’ve Been

So first, I want to apologize for my growing absences from this blog. It is not intentional, but there is a lot of reasons behind it, and I want to bring you up to speed.

I’d like to say by absence is just an unfortunate reality of having a full-time job for the foreseeable future. Yes, almost immediately after my last post I got offered a long-term contract with the company I am temping for. Funny how that worked. (Heck, I even am getting paid time off!) This is all great news as I have one less thing to stress about, but it also means I am much busier than I was when I first arrived in New Zealand, and that means I have less time to explore, and therefore a lot less to write about. (I do want to mention, however, I am still exploring in bite sized amounts and have a lot of fun adventures lined up in the future, so stay tuned!)

But as I said, this isn’t the only reason I’ve disappeared. I’ve also disappeared because I am struggling with the cold. (Yes, it’s the end of summer for most of you, but in the Southern Hemisphere it is very much still winter.) This is making me very homesick for warmer temperatures, and particularly Florida, to the point I was making plans to return there as early next month. My bags were all but packed, and I didn’t write because this reality was a hard one for me to admit, but one I think you should know. As excited as I am to have this time in New Zealand, it is also not an easy transition, especially now that life is becoming a bit more routine.

The homesickness is more than just the temperature. It’s hard seeing my friends in the States go through big life changes, both positive ones, and negative ones, and not feel like I can be there for them. Sure, the internet makes this a bit easier these days, but I am still 16 hours in the future, so that means when most people I love in the U.S. are free to chat with me, I am either asleep or at work.

I am also missing my old life and frankly, having a career. I miss having a car and a place to call my own. I miss having a freaking closet, central heat, and even a video game console. These are all things I would’ve said didn’t mean much to me before I left but once I got here, I find myself daydreaming about these simple and strange things.

Don’t get me wrong, I would not trade my time here in New Zealand for anything. Even though it hasn’t been all positive, it has been great. Wellington is as amazing as everyone says it is, and many of the friendships I’ve made here are ones I will take with me for life. I’ve even bought hiking boots because, well, it’s an activity I’ve actually come to enjoy and one that’s hard to avoid here in New Zealand. (Honestly, even some of the walking paths here are basically mini-hikes.) But it doesn’t make missing my friends and family any easier, and it doesn’t mean I prefer hiking to Disney World because let’s be honest, Star Wars Land is going to be epic.

So where do I go from here? I’m not entirely sure, and I guess that’s always been part of the adventure. I am making strides, however, and learning to embrace my new surroundings in both old and new ways. To combat the chilly winter, I have started going to the gym again, something I did regularly in the States. I’m also meditating and saying “yes,” to opportunities to experience new things both in and outside the city. I’m also trying to find things to make the tiny space I live in feel more like a home because living out of a suitcase has been really difficult.

To end on a positive note, I plan to make a photo post soon of all the “mini adventures” I’ve taken throughout the area. Also, know that I do plan to get back to updating this now that I am in a better space, and ready to get things back on-track instead of just “existing.” I mean, I did buy hiking boots.

June 26, 2017February 25, 2018

The Cure to Anxiety?

Today was the first in four days that I took my prescribed medication for my anxiety. I didn’t take it because I felt especially anxious, I took it mostly because I felt like I “should,” and to see if it would quell the headaches I have been getting as of late.

This is a remarkable occurrence, because usually when I don’t take my medicine I find myself depressed and stressed about the future. Seeing how I don’t have a job, health insurance or source of income at the moment, I should have spent the past few days freaking out but instead, I was oddly calm.

So this left me wondering: where is the anxiety that has followed me around like an abusive ex-boyfriend for the past 30 years? Did it disappear? Is this a temporary lapse?

I wouldn’t be the first person to have seemingly had their anxiety managed or “cured” through traveling (see this wonderful post “On Anxiety and Travel” by Lauren at “Neverending Footsteps,”) but before setting off on this journey it was certainly something I didn’t expect would happen to me; after all I have been taking 40mg of citalopram every day for almost a decade and have been in and out of therapy since I was a child. I have been lead to believe that what is wrong with me is chemical and only managed through modern medicine.

But it seems New Zealand wants to prove the doctors wrong.

I think the anxiety is lessening, if not all gone thanks to a lot of things. For one, I feel safer in New Zealand than I ever have in my life. Honestly, I do things here I would never do in the States alone: I go to bars, I go latin dancing, and even walk home alone at 3 in the morning and don’t worry about my well-being. As a woman living in America, I have always worried about being mugged, or worse raped when going somewhere solo. Here, that nagging fear doesn’t exist.

But I know it is not just this feeling of safety that has my mind relaxed. I have shed the burden of television news, a career which by nature fosters anxiety. It is hard to see the positive and beauty in the world when you spend your day immersed in the worst parts of it. In news, you live and breathe every terrorist attack, every shooting, and every death as it develops. For 8 hours or more, you are immersed in negativity, all the while forced to find ways to make each story, however awful it is, “unique,” “creative” and “important” to viewers. You have to get it on the air “first and fast” so there is no time for you to feel or process. You don’t get to do that until you get home; so even when you’re not at work, you are still dealing with it.

Strangely, there was a time when I thought I would miss this career. And while there are parts of it I will always love, I do not see myself returning to that world anytime soon. Life is so much better when now that I can choose how much information to digest each day; I am still informed, but I am no longer burdened.

Similarly, I think my anxiety is easing because I am doing what I want for the first time in my life, instead of what society told me I had to do. I don’t know where my next dollar is coming from, but I know it is going to be doing something where I feel as if I am adding positivity to my day and to those of others, instead of taking away from it. I have taken control of my destiny, and when you are doing what you want and what you love, stress is much less likely to weigh you down.

So is my anxiety gone? I don’t know. But I know I am feeling more at ease now than I ever did in my life. I know I will probably continue to take less and less of my prescription and replace it with things like meditation and taking chances.

June 12, 2017February 25, 2018

Fake news and fake friends

I expected to learn a lot of things during this experience in New Zealand, but something I didn’t expect was learning the harsh reality that some people I thought were my friends in the states turned out to be anything but.

I think this is such a hard lesson for me because I strive to be authentic at all times; I don’t sugarcoat who I am or what my goals are because society says I should. Sure, my language and demeanor may be different in the office than at the bar but I really strive never to compromise my values and beliefs in all situations. This honesty-of-self is extremely important to me and something I assume is true to everyone. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that this is not always the case.

For example, I would love to be able to travel the world by making money blogging and posting on social media. This, I know, is a pie-in-the-sky dream, but something I am reaching for nonetheless. I am not ashamed of it and am not afraid of failing at it. However, I have gotten more pushback on this dream than anything else I’ve ever gone after in my life. I’ve been told this is “inauthentic” or only achieved by cultivating a “fake” personality. Worse yet, this criticism has mostly been by people who make a career by pretending to be people they aren’t.

I don’t know why the inauthenticity of others is something I have a hard time reconciling, but it is. My past two relationships failed largely because the charming person people saw me with in public was vastly different than the person I knew at home. In both instances when I first started dating these men I was told they were “such great” guys that would “respect” me by their colleagues and friends. Oftentimes the only people who didn’t share this sentiment were their families or other people who knew these men in private.

I don’t say these things to shame people; I say these things because I don’t understand how anyone can sustain such a lifestyle or why am I seemingly more sensitive to it than other people around me. I like to think I have very few dealbreakers, but not being yourself 100% of the time is one of them.

This is not to say I’ve only learned who in my life was “fake,” because the converse is also true; I have learned just who really is there for me. In fact, I have been pleasantly surprised by some of my supporters. For example, although my mom may not understand my need to move to the other side of the world, she doesn’t hesitate to check in now, which is something she didn’t do when I lived in the same country as her. I also still talk to one of my best friends, Liz, practically every day, despite the 15 hour time difference. I have also had people reach out to me and say extremely nice things about how I’ve inspired them or how they love reading my blogs or looking at my photos.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this lesson, as a lot of people travel to “find themselves,” and therefore, also find out how they fit into the world. I also guess it’s kind of naive to always believe the people you support will return the favor.