Tag: newly arrived

I don’t know when I started making soundtracks for segments of my life. I think it was probably at some point in university, a time when music was not only easily accessible but also central to many of my friendships.

It started small, with me naming periods of my life. These often coincided with semesters or friendships. For instance, I distinctly remember naming the summer of my sophomore year “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Diner.” At the time, I thought this was a clever play on that oft-forgotten show “2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place,” and was chosen because I spent many nights that summer at various diners with my two best friends at that point in my life who happened to be two guys. I am pretty sure they both thought I was silly, but the name has helped cement the memories of that summer firmly in my mind, and for that I am thankful.

This naming of periods in my life eventually morphed into giving them songs. I think the first of these was “Don’t Stop Believing” (how clever) for my first semester after transferring to Temple University in Philadelphia. I’m sure you can guess the inspiration for this one: booze. (This was also around the time I turned 21.) However, I also I think part of me enjoyed the hopeful message of the song.

This need to name times of my life after songs eventually grew into creating full blown soundtracks for them, particularly for romantic relationships. This is something I sort of forgot I did until recently when I purged all my “boyfriend boxes” as part of my move to New Zealand. While I realize this is kind of a ridiculously sentimental thing, I have to tell you, making them was cathartic. It was a nice way to package up my emotions and stop listening to those songs, knowing I could revisit those feelings later. (Which I did, by the way, after rediscovering them a few months ago. It was… interesting, as they stirred up long-forgotten emotions of regret, love, and joy.)

TL;DR: I went through my "boyfriend boxes." I have problems with commitment. So, I'm trying to do more "looking forward" with my life these days instead of holding onto the past. I've gotten rid of clothes, books… really anything that "weighs me down." So. Tonight I did something I didn't think I would do until I got older: I went through my "boyfriend boxes." These were boxes of everything from receipts to trinkets to stuffed animals I put away at the end of relationships because they were either too painful to look at or because I thought I would want to have them as memories when I got older. There were times I wanted to cry, other times I smiled because a memory I forgot about would come into focus. It was cathartic in many ways. There were some really silly things I kept (hello condom wrapper from the first time I had sex,) and also some really sweet things like a handwritten love note. There were also notes I wrote to exes but never sent professing my love or frustration, but most of what I found in the boxes were memories of two people who for a moment in time loved each other and that was something. All of these relationships were flawed in their own right, but the most common thread among them was my own inability to commit. (Granted the last two were abusive so I had every right to leave them, and this is why I didn't picture ANYTHING from the worst one.) I guess what I'm saying is I am realizing more and more I don't like doing things that are difficult. I like to take the easy way out. This is something I want to change moving forward. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone right? Here's to letting go of the past and starting new adventures.

A post shared by Amiekay's Adventure (@amiekaysadventure) on Feb 12, 2017 at 3:58pm PST

Until now, these sorts of soundtracks and playlists have been purely personal mementos; none of my former boyfriends know I made these albums. (Unless they’re reading this now, and in that case, hi guys.) But as I was walking home tonight, listening to the songs that have become part of my journey here in New Zealand, I thought: what better way to offer you insight into what I’m going through then sharing that music with you? Call me immature, call me an emo kid, call me whatever you want but I really think the music someone is listening to at any moment can open a door to their heart quicker than words can.

So, here it is. My “Welcome to New Zealand” soundtrack. It’s sad, hopeful, and very folky. There are only a few artists on it, but hey, some of them are kiwis.

Until next time.